What it feels like.

I wish I spent more time writing in this blog. I felt inspired tonight going to see "Julie and Julia." I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am a caregiver. I try so hard to fill in all the pieces of my life right now with meaningful experiences, some not so meaningful. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. Sometimes I feel like someone came into my home and stole our lives from us. Sometimes I want to get in my car and run away. I can't explain what this horrible disease has done to us. It is cruel the way it steals more of Rick every day. The way it takes a little more of who he was. The way you wake up and it speaks to you and says, "yep, I took that too!" Rick did not deserve this, but who does? I know we are not being punished for past transgressions.

I have stopped convincing myself that I can do all of this on my own. 3 kids (including an 11 month old) and a husband who can not do one thing for himself. It is overwhelming. I can't afford more care. I am looking into some respite care with hospice. Every day has become the same day repeating itself in so many ways.

I miss the spontaneous things we used to do together. I miss walking around Home Depot planning our next project. I miss his suprises. I miss going on a hot date with my man. I miss making love. I miss him holding me. I miss watching him work out in the garage. I miss him sweating.