My Tattooed Angel

If you had said to me a year ago that I would have a man living in my house that was covered in tattoos and a shady past, I would have laughed. Ha Ha he is here! And he is an angel. On loan to me from extended family, Jim is my new best friend. He is a little chatty, but he is fun to be around. 7 weeks into this and I am not looking for an excuse to get rid of him. In fact I would be devistated if he left us. He takes care of Rick like he is the most important person in the world. He does things for Rick that I don't even think of sometimes and he never forgets anything. He cleans, he does laundry, he cooks and he stays on top of my boys. He is here 24/7 and has agreed to stay here until the end of Rick's illness.

So all you single ladies out there when Jim's job is done here he will be available. Don't tell Jim about my blog because I don't want him to know that I said all this about him. I just hung a sign above his bed that said "Employee of the Month" from Fischetti Enterprises. He cracked up.

Now I am not saying that we do not have to be cautious. If I didn't know and trust the extended family who sent him here he would not be living here. But all of us need redeeming at times in our lives. Jim has never done anything like this before, taking care of someone who is has a terminal illness. Yet here he is. I said a few prayers about this and I know Jim has been an answer to many prayers.

Today I feel Grateful

I am going to get better at staying on top of this blog. Today I feel grateful for my life. Have you heard the song from Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews, "I'm Alive." What a great song. What a wonderful life this and what a gift this life is if we CHOOSE to make it that. I am grateful that I got to be Mom. And a mom to these kids. And I get to be the mother of Rick's kids. Even though I am losing him for this life I can look into their beautiful faces and see my husbands eyes staring back at me through Ben. Or his looks through Jack. Or his mouth through Isabella. Heavenly Father really loves me to give me that. And what a beautiful day today is. I just gave Rick his breakfast through a feeding tube. We were joking and smiling. And outside it is gorgeous! And tonight we get to drive to Brytana's volleyball game in Richmond and see her play...with a stop to Cracker Barrel on the way! And Rick will be with us and will get to see his daughter rock it on the court.
Maybe a month from now it won't be such a great day. I don't kn0w. I try not to think that far ahead. But today is a good day. "I'm alive, and well that's good enough for me."

What it feels like.

I wish I spent more time writing in this blog. I felt inspired tonight going to see "Julie and Julia." I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am a caregiver. I try so hard to fill in all the pieces of my life right now with meaningful experiences, some not so meaningful. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. Sometimes I feel like someone came into my home and stole our lives from us. Sometimes I want to get in my car and run away. I can't explain what this horrible disease has done to us. It is cruel the way it steals more of Rick every day. The way it takes a little more of who he was. The way you wake up and it speaks to you and says, "yep, I took that too!" Rick did not deserve this, but who does? I know we are not being punished for past transgressions.

I have stopped convincing myself that I can do all of this on my own. 3 kids (including an 11 month old) and a husband who can not do one thing for himself. It is overwhelming. I can't afford more care. I am looking into some respite care with hospice. Every day has become the same day repeating itself in so many ways.

I miss the spontaneous things we used to do together. I miss walking around Home Depot planning our next project. I miss his suprises. I miss going on a hot date with my man. I miss making love. I miss him holding me. I miss watching him work out in the garage. I miss him sweating.